The Birds, the Bees, and Ellen

- Happy Earth Day to you. [Cheers and applause] I'm just curious, how many
of you here are from Earth? [Laughter and applause] A lot of people.
Lot of you. Welcome.
Lot of you. More than yesterday's audience.

[Laughter] I am a big fan of the Earth. The Earth and I
have a lot in common. We're made mostly of water, and every year
we both get hotter. [Laughter and applause] So...Yep.
[Cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] Earth Day happens every spring,
and today I want to talk about something else that happens when
the weather gets warmer.

Birds do it.
Bees do it. You and I do it.
Of course, I'm talking about accidentally running into
a plate glass window. [Laughter] My eye! I'm talking about mating,
of course, and one of the animals that
mates every spring is the panda. And there was a story recently-- About, I don't know,
couple of weeks ago-- Two pandas in China
who set the record for the longest panda
mating session.

Here's a photo of-- [audience laughter] I'm assuming the male.
He's smiling. [Audience laughter] The male panda, Lu Lu
and his partner Xi Mei mated for 18 minutes
and 3 seconds. So to the two pandas,
congratulations. [Audience laughter]
And to whoever is in charge of timing them,
gross.

[Audience laughter] Really? Usually, pandas only mate
for less than a minute, which is nothing
to be ashamed of, male pandas. [Audience laughter]
Don't worry about that. Enough about panda sex, though. Let's talk about some other
animals that are getting it on, and I'll give you kids
a second at home to get a notebook and a pen.

This is the spotted sandpiper
right here, and these birds are different
than most animals, because when they mate,
the female pursues the male. Now the female sandpipers,
they compete with each other, and that can lead to
intense fights between like five and six
females, all trying to win over
the one male. And when it happens in nature,
it's called polyandry, and when it happens on
television, it's called "The Bachelor." [Laughter and applause] Right?
[Cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] Let's move on.
Here's the next one. Oh, that's Channing Tatum.

[Cheers and applause] I don't know why he's in there. [Audience laughter] We all know how he mates:
beautifully. [Audience laughter]
All right. Let's look at the last one.
This is an insect, and it's called
the water boatman.

The male water boatman
has a special talent that he uses when
he wants to mate. Like the sandpiper, he sings,
but not with his mouth, and not with his hands, and not with his feet.
[Audience laughter] We've come this far,
I'm just going to say it. He has a singing penis. [Audience laughter] Here's how it works.

[Audience laughter] I don't know how it works,
but I'm sure we're all trying to imagine it
right now. [Audience laughter] The female water boatman picks
her mate based on whatever male water
boatman sings the best song. It's like they say: it's not
the size of the boatman, it's the song of the penis. [Audience laughter] What have we learned?
I don't know, but let's try to forget it
with this dance..