Angry Birds

- Spring is here,
isn't it now? [Cheers and applause] So then I would like to
talk about the birds and the bees. [Laughter] We don't have a lot of time, so I'm just gonna talk about
the birds. So we have birds at our house. There's a beam right outside
of our kitchen door between the ceiling,
and then there's the beam.

So there's a little area,
and every year, a pair of sparrows builds a nest
at the same spot. And it's adorable,
and I love watching them. It's one of my favorite things
to watch. Well, it goes "Scandal"
and then...

[Laughter] Sparrows building nests
and then "House of Cards." That's how it goes.
[Laughter] So anyway,
so the female sparrow is brown, and she blends in with nature,
which is clever. And then the male
is very colorful and flashy 'cause--
I think he's gay, and-- [laughter] No, he's not. He may be.
I don't know. But anyway, it's amazing,
because nature-- the females are--
blend into nature.

The males are brighter so they can distract
the predators from the lady birds. Very nice. So anyway, they're cute, and the male is
the little lookout. He hangs out and looks around
and chirps, and the female brings the twigs, and they flutter around,
and they build the nest.

And then sometimes
I put my finger out and they land on it and chirp,
and we sing, and-- I made that part up.
But-- [laughter] They're adorable. They're birds,
and so they're cute. But here's what's happening now. There's this--
this thing is happening.

Another pair of birds
saw that spot and thought,
"Oh, that's a good spot. We're gonna build there." And so they started building. And then--
at first, I didn't know. I thought they were
the same kind of bird 'cause they look alike,
you know? So then they're building.

Then another pair comes, and they're like,
"Oh, no, you don't." I mean, they're not talking,
but-- [laughter] So then they tear the nest down, and then another one builds, and then the next morning,
it's torn down. And this has been going on-- they're like rival bird gangs. [Laughter] It's like East Coast-West Coast
kind of thing, you know? Except they're both on
the West Coast and they're not gang members,
so... [Laughter] They're birds.

So it's nothing like
gang members. So anyway...
[Laughter] I did what anybody would do
in L.A. I started filming it
for a new reality show called "Bird Wars." [Laughter] I'm gonna sell it. No, that's not what I did.
I got up on a ladder.

I went and got a ladder,
and I put some wire mesh on the spot
where they're building the nest. Portia took a picture
of me doing it. And Portia took that picture
right after she said, "Yes, of course
I'm holding the ladder," and-- [laughter] I was like,
"Why are you so far away?" Anyway, they weren't getting
anything accomplished because they kept tearing
each other's nest down, and it's not a great spot
anyway 'cause my cats go outside
in that area, and, of course,
cats go after birds. In fact, I took a video.
Look.

[Quirky dramatic music] [music continues] [horn playing dejected tones] [laughter] It's my cat. But, no, here's what I did. I tried to block it because they're running
out of time because they need to finish
their nest so that they can lay their eggs and sit on them
until their babies hatch. Like human women.

[Laughter] I've never had a baby.
I don't know. Anyway, I'll keep you posted
with any new developments. That's what's happening
right now. But right now,
it's time for this bird to shake her tail feather.

[Cheers and applause].